Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Changming: Out of Order Temporarily

because of an impending hearing at Residential Tenancy Office on 17 sept, i have been suffering tremendously from acute anxiety disorders in addition to all symptoms of hcm and ischemia and, at the same time, fighting fiercely with two most unfriendly situations ever encountered or known of in my entire life. in consequence, i have almost completely stopped functioning as a literary person, no writing poetry, no making poetry subs, no reading/accepting poetry for Poetry Pacific, not even thinking about poetry/publication... first time in the past 10 years also.

one thing of note here, on the night of sept 7 (sat), i had a nightmare, where i carried my sick younger poet son in a large brown-colored paper bag trying to go to hospital in the rain, but somehow he shrank into two bones and then vanished. i cried my heart out in unbearable grief, until later i found him alive and back miraculously in a house where my mother appeared. suddenly thrown into such ecstasy, i could not help kneeling down and kowtowing to him. yesterday, i called my mother about this dream, who assured me that this is a good sign!

in early august, i did write about 20 poems, half of them about my most recent experience. hope i can find the time and energy to rework on them all, getting back to my normal creative life...

sept 16: the three crisis situations i have been facing at the same time since june perhaps result really from my failure to have visited the Puti center for the last year, where i used to do some volunteer work every wendesday from 2010 to 2012.  fortunately, one crisis was temporarily over in an official sense on 9 sept. of the other two, one will unfold significantely tomorrow...

on sept 13, friday, i had a talk with a fortune teller from taiwan, first time in my life. mr Liu said, born in the year of the rooster, my 'eight characters' show that i am a man of water-fate, who has strong water, but lacks wood. if i live/function like natural water, i will live a happy and accomplished life. as a water-fated rooster, i get support from wood, but should avoid anything associated with soil/earth. i can be prosperous and highly successful if i keep moving like water, especially towards the west, if i engage in educational/cultural  activities. by nature, i love anything or anyone associated with metal or wood.  according to him, i am extremely sensitive, and have natural powers to see and connect with the other world, like a shaman, but i need some master to help develop and bring out such powers. the fengshui with my house is not good, mainly because there is too much earth around my house, something bad for me. while alive, i should live in a house facing towards the east. between age 3 and 8, i should have some bad years; so did or will i between age 13 and 18, 28 and 33, and between 58 and 63 but i will have good years in general between age 53 and 78, when i get much 'wood'. i should be careful between june and july 2018, when i have to face much 'earth.'  my wife is a metal-fated woman, supposed to be a helpful source, just like my elder son, also a metal-fated man who will be rich and successful. my younger son is a fire-fated man, who should be particularly cautious about traffic or transportation from nov 2 to dec 3, 2013. -- all this is interesting enough for me to write some poetry about.

indeed, every time i feel relatively good and comforting about my existence, there is a big trouble waiting for me close down the road. so, i should try to overcome any feeling of satisfaction about my life.

every few years, i would be suffering from an unbearable hard hit, emotional, physical, financial, career-related, some or all at the same time. in 1980, 1988, 1994, 2001, (2008), and 2013 in particular. a really vicious pattern of profound suffering. i survived in 1980, so will i in 2013.

although i never trouble trouble, but troubles always troubles me - that's the most troublesome part of life.

the biggest or most serious issue i am facing now is that i am afraid of having to face an issue.

i feel nervous and anxious about anything that is out of my control, such as a red light, a telephone ring, a knock at the door.

how i wish to be left alone, forever!

sept 17: the hearing between 9:00 and 10:00 am today was successful in the sense that both parties and witnesses got connected to the conference call and attended, but the decision made by the arbitrator was surprising: he upheld my two-month instead of 1-month notice but extended the date until the end of november, exactly 2 months later than expected. that means, our situation will be continuing.

3 surprises about the hearing that can teach me a lot about the canadian sociolegal system: 1) the hearing procedures were greatly different from what we had expected or read about when we did case studies;2) the arbitrator seemed to act more like a mediator than like an arbitrator, as he tried to find a common ground between the 2 parties, rather than uphold a principle; 3) the arbitrator appeared to make his decision in favour of the other party because he chose to ignore my witnesses' testimonials and statements, not to mention circumstantial evidence.

given our mental and health conditions, we simply cannot afford to apply for a review or another hearing, nor do we have enough social, legal or financial sources to go ahead with it. besides, i dislike this kind of exhausting game.

considering we have actually lost today, i just hope us two parties to be on good terms as before. i always believe 'friendly come, friendly go'. am i wrong trying to follow this typical chinese social or interpersonal principle?

a little wonder: how come this site has had 245 pageviews today, way more than ever before?